‘Oh…’ I said, but did not really understand what it ment to close your heart.

The fox saw my face and said; ‘This is what our mind does, when we feel overwhelmed by pain we have to detach. It is like closing a door so the pain can not enter anymore. But you lock out all feelings, not just the pain but also love, that is why he is frozen. You know the heart has chambers. To reopen the doors to the chambers we need to find the keys.’ The fox turned away as if she had said all there is to say to it, and looked up at the cloudy sky.

I stood there for a while and looked over to the blue boy. He was just laying there on the ice, frozen as if he was dead. I felt such a strong urge to run over and melt the ice. I wanted to open his heart and make the pain go away. But I had no key…

I asked the fox: ‘Madam, is there really nothing we can do?’

She paused for a while as always she choose her words very carefully. ‘Of course you can little girl. Go and find the key to your own heart, when you discover the true nature of love you have found the key. And when your heart is open you can open all doors.’

‘But..’ I said; ‘Where do I search for it?’

She looked at me and smiled; ‘You know the answer to that, it is within. When you can distinguish love and fear your soul can take its seat within you, and all gates will open so you can enter the garden.’

The garden?

At that moment a cloud came down from heaven and landed on the boy and covered his body. After a little while the cloud lifted him up and slowly they floated away.

I panicked and jumped up, trying to grab his foot and pull him back down to earth, but I missed. When I fell down I realised the danger of what I had done. The ice would break the moment I would land on it. But the fox jumped up and caught my fall. Instead of thanking her I lashed out in anger and yelled: Why did you not help him?

She held back for a while and then as if totally unaffected by my behaviour she said with a decisive calm voice; ‘You have to learn to decide when to let go and when to let X.’

I felt very tense and utterly frustrated with the situation. Scared and unwilling to admit I did not know what to do. How to accept my own vulnerability and the limitations of my power that were so evident. Unwilling to submit I viciously whispered: ‘Where is that X thing when you need it?’

‘Closer than ever…’ She said and turned away, and I knew she was a believer en envied her for having found the key.

I also knew she could not help me understand this. This was apparently one of many things I would have to figure it out for myself and I needed to be patient. I felt so close to a meltdown, this was not at all what I wanted, nor the way I wanted it. I could only see two options I did not like; to accept or freak out. I reflected all my unwanted feelings on the frozen boy that drifted away in de dark blue sky. I had to face I did not have the power I had imagined myself to have; the power I thought I should have in order to feel safe and happy. I was fighting a battle against the Gods and felt I would not win. I had to bow, bend, give in, surrender and I was too scared to do so. Who was I without the fantasy I had created of myself. The tower was on fire, and I had to let myself fall, I had to have faith.

Instinctively my hands grabbed her fur when she started to run, we lifted of the ground and my body bend forward trying hard to keep my balance. My chest touched her back and when I felt the warmth of her body the tension disapeared.

I felt she cared for me and my heart opened and it was then when I realised for the first time that this was the X. I smiled as we flew over the frozen lake back home, to the forest and the oaktree in which I lived.